Do you ever walk into your local coffee shop and think, "You know what this place needs? More Ann Coulter."

Apparently there's a new Conservative Cafe in Indiana that caters just to you and others looking for an escape from the "liberal bastion coffeehouses" of America. The description sounds like something written by Stephen Colbert:

Ann Coulter books sit stacked by the fireplace, and a picture of Ronald Reagan hangs on the wall. Fox News plays on all the televisions, and stock market quotes scroll along an electronic ticker above the cash register.

Behind the counter, owner Dave Beckham smiles proudly in a khaki T-shirt that reads "Zip It, Hippie." The shirt is for sale at the Crown Point, Ind., cafe, along with ones that say "Peace through Superior Firepower."

And the owner's explanation for why he started the shop is even more Colbertesque:

He didn't like piped-in folk music, specialty drinks with faux-Italian names or patrons who frittered the hours away on laptops or listening to iPods. The atmosphere, he said, seemed an affront to Midwestern values he learned growing up in northwest Indiana.

"Coffee shouldn't be about sitting in a cafe for 12 hours," Beckham says. "Coffee gets us through our workday. It's what we drink before we make steel for the rest of the country or head out into the fields."

That's right! Damn latte-drinking liberals, always trying to enjoy their coffee with fruity flavors and homosexual-sounding additives like cream and sugar. Real conservatives like their coffee like their politicians—bitter and without foreign-sounding names.

My philosophy is, if your coffee isn't literally making hair grow on your chest as you drink it, you're not doing it right.