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May 23, 2005

The Adventures of Acinom

Everyone's favorite intern is back for the second installment of The Adventures of Acinom. This is supposed to be a weekly thing, but Acinom was late turning it in. Looks like I'll have to dock his pay

Episode II: Revenge of the Kids-th

I thought I was being sly early Friday morning when at 10:00 I blew
off work and went to my local 97-screen theater-with-zip-code to catch the morning showing of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the
Sith. I figured I'd be one of the first to see the end of a era.
I was feeling pretty good: a work-free day, some light saber action,
and seeing Darth Vader get his force on with Natalie Portman.

"I'll take one for the 10 AM Sith," I said coyly, already
feeling like an insider using abbreviated title lingo—Jedi-jargon if
you will.

"I'm sorry, Sir, the 10 AM, 10:15, 10:45, and the 11 AM are all sold
out. The earliest I have is 11:15," the bored-out-of-her-skull
cashier told me.

"What? I mean it's 10 AM on Friday! How can this be?"

"Sir, some local schools have decided to make it a field trip," she
explained. The Imperial March started in my head as I looked
way over to the right of the parking lot and saw 10 odd school buses.
Looking inside the theater I saw scores of little children standing in line having imaginary light saber battles, impersonating wookies, and driving their teachers and the theater staff absolutely nuts.

"Add that to all the other people…," she paused, "blowing off work and we are pretty busy this morning."

Defeated, I took my 11:15 stub and morosed over to the Area 51 arcade
game (Proving yet again my senior thesis—that every movie theater in
the U.S. has an Area 51 arcade game) and took my frustration out on
some aliens. Well, when it comes to video games I tend to get a
little focused….an artillery barrage could take place and I wouldn't
think twice to seek cover because, "Damnit, I'm on Level 17 with 7
lives!" So I kind of missed the line forming behind my back. I turn
around, saw the line, and accidentally dropped an F-bomb in front of a group of little kids immediately earning a nasty stink-eye from the
teacher and a chorus of "Ooooooooooooo's" from the itty bitty kiddy
committee.

I got to the end of the line and got behind a couple managing to sneak in front of a group of sixth grade age-level kids. Its about 11 AM by now so I'm getting pumped up about the movie.

All of a sudden my cell phone starts what used to be my favorite
ringtone: "An incoming call you have," warns Yoda. "Answer it
quickly you must."

This earns me the heckling of the sixth graders and the couple in
front of me (whom I will say now were rather homely-looking anyways).
I'm so embarrassed (Why? I don't know—I mean the cool couple in front of me is skipping work to see Star Wars on a Friday morning—we will ignore the fact that I am too. And the little dorks behind me are mere months away from discovering their first short'n'curlies) that I decide to play it off and pretend its not me.

BUT NO. Somebody has to call back to make sure that I wasn't in the
shower because, No, I would never be so busy that I would ignore
someone's phone call…. So yet again: "An incoming call you have,"
warns Yoda. "Answer it quickly you must."

More heckling ensues but this time the wonderful caller decides to
leave a message. So now my phone, who, by the way, must hate me
immensely, decides that it will play the little message tone—the
piece'de'resistance': (Obi-Wan) "May the Force be with you" (followed by Chewbacca's absurd howl).

So while these prepubescent jerks and the couple in front are laughing at me I notice that it is 11:10 and that the line is not moving. I look ahead to the front of the line and see a little hand-written placard that indicates that this line is for the 11:45 show.

"Oh look," I say probably a little too loudly. "I got an 11:15
ticket." My smile to the teens and ugly twins said it all:
BEEE-ITCHS!!!!

Well that stopped their laughing and earned me yet another nasty look. I made my way to the front squeezing in between some annoyed folks.

"Sorry, I got an 11:15," I explained as I bumped into people trying to make my way up to the front. Finally I made it and walked into the theater to find it FULL of little kids. The only seat left was right smack in the middle of a group of them so I gingerly made my through trying not to stumble and crush some little kid. They were chattering away and I knew this was going to be a long movie.

In between previews, as the teachers finally got their little kids to
quiet down, Cingular and Yoda failed me yet again: "An incoming call
you have," warns Yoda. "Answer it quickly you must." This set off a
riot of laughter as kids found this absolutely freaking hilarious.

I was sitting next to one of the teachers who was younger and closer
to my age….and rather pretty. Apparently my ring tone earlier had
given it away that I am somewhat of a Star Wars fan so she starts
asking me all these questions about the movie. Because she is rather
pretty I entertain her questions at first which are along the lines of, "Which one is that?" and "Who is she again?" But then the questions start getting annoying….And downright insulting to a Star Wars fan:

"So this is happening before the old movies, right?"

"Is Obi-wan in the old movies?"

"Is that the same R2-D2 in all the movies?"

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fly in space like that?"

"Is the Senator really the Emperor from the old movies? Are you sure?"

"Does Yoda die in this one too? No wait don't tell me."

So I'm getting pretty annoyed with this teacher who as it turns out is not as pretty as I thought (She actually is but I just can't justify giving her credit when this person is supposed to be forming the young minds of the future and the following happens.)

(SPOILER ALERT—By the way if you need this alert let me tell you about some of the inventions that have been discovered while you were
away…LIKE THE INTERNET) After Anakin becomes Darth Vader the teacher
starts tearing up because, and I quote, "I had no idea little Anakin
becomes the Vader." THE VADER??? I lost it.

"Wait a minute. You didn't know how this movie was going to end?
You're joking right?"

"No. It's just awful. And poor Natalie Portman. She has to give up
her twins," She cried.

"How did you not know how this movie was going to end? They
knew in 1977 how this movie was going to end. You've got to be
kidding me!" I was stunned stupid. Yes, maybe I like Star Wars a
little too much but I think that anybody who goes to this movie and
also takes her class with her should at least have a clue what is
going on. I couldn't take it anymore. As the credits rolled I darted to the exit and couldn't wait to get out of there.

As I waited in, yet another, line to get out of the place, I kept
shaking my head and wondering if I was taking crazy pills. But the
fun (for everyone else) and ridicule (for me) didn't end there.

"An incoming call you have," warns Yoda. "Answer it quickly you must."

Posted by Elyas at 11:15 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

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