Ablogistan: May 2005 Archives

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May 31, 2005

Follow your dollar?

The American Family Association, the group who recently brought you the national boycott of Kraft foods, has now issued a boycott against Ford Motor Company. Why? "Because of the company's track record for supporting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual "marriage," says the group's founder. The AFA has even created a special website for their cause.

It seems the ends of the political spectrum, the extremist groups, are more successful (or maybe simply more committed) at utilizing spending power to reinforce their political beliefs. I used to be strongly in favor of doing this: following your dollar. The logic goes, each dollar you spend is like a vote cast. Although I'm no economist, I know enough to use the phrases "market signals" and "supply and demand." If you know less about economics than myself, that simply means a standard company, with the goal of making money like all good companies, will generally do more of something that makes money and less of something that loses money.

So if you don't like the labor practices or environmental impact of a particular corporation, the idea is, don't give it your money, and if enough people withold money (including investors) for a particular reason, the company will change its practices.

But what if this extends beyond the actual product and involves moral issues as well? Is that crossing the line? Isn't it a little ridiculous to totally disregard the quality of the product you are purchasing because of a company's ethics? It wasn't ridiculous to the advocates of the South African boycott, and it's not ridiculous to the AFA.

But what if this leads to a future where moral values are as important as product quality? Could we have an anti-gay-marriage car company and a pro-gay-marriage car company? Maybe pro-stem-cell-research t-shirt company or a feminist brand of office supplies? It certainly would open up a whole new world of advertising, with politically charged companies sponsoring candidates and possible product placement during political speeches.

This future is purely hypothetical, mainly because this type of moral consumerism takes place only on the fringes. It takes a lot of dedication to buy only hand-sewn clothing made from organic cotton that was hand-picked for $20 an hour simply because you want to protect the environment. Or to boycott Star Wars just because you disagree with Lucas' politics.

It happens, on the fringes. But the rest of us are too unsure of our beliefs or simply to apathetic to consider the consequences of every dollar we spend. I tried it once. I thought I'd start buying everything organic, even if it was more expensive. Since I lived in a dorm and ate all of my food in a cafeteria, the organic products I had access to with my limited funds were daily health care products. So, I went to Whole Foods and bought some completely organic deodorant. That was probably the smelliest month of my entire life, and I've been wearing name-brand anti-perspirant ever since.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must hypocritically put on my sweat-shop manufactured Nikes and go play a little basketball.

Posted by Elyas at 10:23 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

May 30, 2005

Light it up

From The Guardian:

Britain's first major electricity plant to be fuelled by grass will begin construction later this year.
The £6.5m power station in Staffordshire will be burn locally cultivated elephant grass and will be able to supply 2,000 homes with electricity.

Amanda Gray, director of Eccleshall Biomass, the company behind the power station, said the project was of major importance to rural industry in Staffordshire and offered another way to meet the UK's obligation to reduce carbon emissions, because burning the elephant grass will only release the carbon dioxide that the plants soaked up anyway while they were growing ...

The plant would operate for 8,000 hours a year on a 24-hour basis and save one tonne per hour of carbon dioxide, which would otherwise have been emitted using fossil fuels to generate electricity.

I know there's a good joke in there somewhere, about hippies and burning grass. But I think I'll pass today.

Posted by Elyas at 11:11 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

May 27, 2005

Maybe 'adventure' is the wrong word

Well, folks. It's time for the weekly edition of The Adventures of Acinom. But, it looks like everyone's favorite intern wasn't that adventurous this week. Maybe we should change the name of the segment to The Semi-Exciting Musings of a Lazy Intern.

Um...well nothing fun happened this week aside from my purchase of Airwolf: Season One and Transformer's: Season Three, Part II DVDs. So this week I'm gonna talk about my Top Ten HOLY SHIT Moments in Movies. Enjoy.

I had a movie conversation with my boss and we were talking about what he calls the greatest movie fake-outs. I prefer to see them as the greatest movie HOLY SHIT moments—you know the movie moments where you turn to the person you are watching the movie with and all you can think of to say is HOLY SHIT because you can't believe what just happened. So here is my Top 10 list, which I open to everyone else and ask that you submit some of your own HS moments.
DISCLAIMER: Understand that this is not a Top 10 greatest movies or
anything. These are simply moments that thoroughly shocked or
surprised me while watching. Also I was born in the first Reagan year so understand that there are 75 years of movies I probably missed. Anyways here goes:

10. Top Gun: Goose (Anthony Edwards) dies after ejecting from an F-14 due to a spinout. Some of you might say, "Of course, Goose was going to die. He was the funny side-kick in a military movie." Well I say, "SHUT UP and DAMN YOU FOR JUDGING ME!" I was five years old when this came out and was literally crying when Goose died.
9. The Godfather: Horse's Head in a Bed. Sounds like the
name of a song. I was as scared as the dude in the movie when I saw
that.
8. Seven: Detectives and SWAT find a tortured emaciated body
of a criminal tied to a bed. When a SWAT officer goes in for a close
up, the body takes a breath and begins to panic scaring the SHIT out
of everyone in the theater.

7. Pulp Fiction: Two for one: When the pistol accidentally
fires and blows away the kid in the back seat and then again when
Travolta stabs the syringe into Uma Thurman's breast plate (which
forever turned my away from ANY type of injection).
6. Sixth Sense: When Bruce Willis discovers that he died
almost a year ago. Now for all you smart A-Holes who KNEW ALL ALONG
that Brucie was dead I want you to know that I know that I HATE YOU.
For me, this moment in the movie was a complete mind-#$@! and made me
an instant M. Night fan.
5. Something About Mary: I still can't believe that
this scene happened. Watching Ben Stiller do his err…thing and then
seeing Cameron Diaz find his um… stuff continues to weird me out to
this very day.
4. American Pie: Apple Scene. Which, by the way, contributes to the international confusion over American culture. That we celebrated the porking of an apple pie is the reason (well, aside from Paris Hilton) the rest of the world hates us.
2. (Tied) Seven: Final Scene with discovery of Ms. Paltrow's
murder is one of the biggest "Oh my god" endings ever.
2. (Tied) The Usual Suspects: Final Scene where Kaiser Soze's identity is revealed. Amazing ending.
<br /> 1. The Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader reveals to Luke that
he is Luke's father. I know what you are thinking? How is that
surprising or shocking? Well you gotta look at it from before the
advent of VHS, DVD's, and the "prequel" phenomena. I know that for my generation (1980's and beyond) the Star Wars series was part of our growth—Star Wars Lunch Boxes, Play-dough Ewoks, and Han Solo action figures. I can't even tell you the first time I ever saw the
movies—it was like church. You can't remember the first time you went but you knew what it was about. In other words, my generation grew up knowing that Vader was Luke's father. Now think what it must have been like to see that movie for the first time only having seen the original Star Wars.
"Luke, I am your father."
You're telling me that anybody could have predicted that Vader was
Luke's father? That would have kicked my ass had I seen that without
already having known it. That would have made me say... HOLY
SHIT!

Posted by Elyas at 10:37 AM | Comments (16) | TrackBack

The Meaning of a Flush

Inspired by this previous post, here's a little futuristic, fictional short story I recently wrote.

“You remember what I told you?” Gaston asked the kid to keep him from crying. The only light in the damp basement crept in through a crack beneath the door at the top of the stairs. It was too dark to see the boy’s face, but Gaston could hear fear in his trembling voice.

“Play tight, but play aggressive,” the kid said, pausing at the sound of glass breaking upstairs.

“What else?” Gaston snapped at him.

“Read your opponent. Everyone has a weakness. You just have to find out what it is.”

“You’re a smart kid,” Gaston said as he patted the kid’s head.

Upstairs, it sounded like someone was driving a bulldozer through the living room. Gaston tried to count the footsteps and guessed there must be at least five cops up there, breaking every piece of glass he owned and kicking down every door that didn’t open of its own will. Maybe they’re not cops, Gaston thought, maybe they’re Crusaders. It didn’t really matter either way. The Crusaders owned the cops, along with most of the judges, lawyers, or anyone else who could have helped them.

The more Gaston thought about it, the more he became convinced that the old man in last week’s game was probably a Crusader himself, and all of this was his fault. Normally it took weeks of evaluation and testing for someone new to make it to their poker table, but Gaston had so desperately wanted the kid to test himself against a fresh face, he let the old-timer in without so much as a second guess. The guy walked and talked like a genuine poker player from back in the day. He even had table name; called himself the Texas Rattler. But that’s the way the Crusaders worked; they would send in converted players to make it seem legit. They knew they couldn’t send in a mole who had never so much as picked up a deck of cards.

“There’s something I want you to have,” Gaston said and reached in his jacket pocket. When his fingers came up with nothing other than a couple of pennies and some lint, his heart rate doubled and he felt stomach acid creeping up his esophagus.

“Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” he muttered as he frantically patted down every pocket on his body.

“What? What is it?” the kid blurted out with a heightened sense of panic. Until that moment, Gaston had tried to remain as calm as possible, for the kid’s sake.

“Where could they be? What the hell did I do with them?” he said through clenched teeth while pacing around the room. “Stop being such a fucking baby and help me look,” Gaston snapped when he heard the kid start to whimper.

He tried to retrace every waking moment of his life since the last time he had seen them, but all his mind could think about was the breaking glass upstairs and the taste of peanut butter that was creeping up his throat. He stopped pacing and closed his eyes, breathing deeply, and finally decided to look in the only logical place they could be. He walked over to the large, round table in the center of the room and lifted up the green felt on its surface, feeling around for the right spot. He pressed a section of the table and it gave to the pressure, revealing a small compartment.

And there they were. Gaston felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. Better yet, he felt like he’d just gone all-in against a high straight and caught the flush on the river. He looked at the kid and smiled.

“I want you to have these,” he said as he handed him the pack of cards. “Sharky Peterson gave them to me years ago.”

The kid ran his fingers over the gold-case. The ace of spades was outlined in platinum on the front cover and almost glowed in the dim light. If Gaston had been sitting, he would have been leaning on the edge of his seat, tapping his leg furiously, waiting to see the kid’s reaction.

“Sharky Peterson was the greatest player to ever pick up a pack of cards,” he told the boy, trying to peak his interest. “He was nearly unbeatable at no-limit…won six consecutive World Series bracelets before they shut the tournament down.”

The kid nodded his head the way teenagers do when listening to advice from their parents that they don’t think they need. Gaston decided to risk exposing their hideout and turned on a small table lamp.

Taking the case from the kid, Gaston pulled out the cards and held them under the light. The intricate patterns on the back of each card glittered under the lamp, the diamond dust and gold plating made the kid’s eyes balloon. That was the reaction he had been waiting for.

“Who’s Mark Twain?” the kid asked as he read the inscription etched on the inside cover. The inscription read:

There are few things that are so unpardonably neglected in our country as poker. The upper class knows very little about it. Now and then you find ambassadors who have sort of a general knowledge of the game, but the ignorance of the people is fearful. Why, I have known clergymen, good men, kind-hearted, liberal, sincere, and all that, who did not know the meaning of a "flush." It is enough to make one ashamed of the species.

“He was an author. A damned good one too. But the Crusaders banned most of his books long time ago. Said they were immoral”

“Just because he wrote about poker?” the kid asked.

“No, it’s hard to explain. It wasn’t just about poker. It was about everything and anything that they decided to define as immoral. Sex, drinking, gambling. You name it,” Gaston replied. “There was a time, around the turn of the century, that poker really started to take off. You could get into a game in almost any town in the country, or you could play from your home on the Internet. It was on t.v.; it was in books; it was everywhere. But we got so big that we became a target for the Crusaders. We weren’t the only ones, but we got hit the hardest since gambling was already illegal.”

“And so they went after this Mark Twain guy?”

“No,” he lauged. “He had been long dead. At first they just banned gambling publicly. The same with drinking and pornography and all the other so-called vices. But they weren’t satisfied, so they went after the books and movies that mentioned these things. They claimed these books were pushing a “sinner’s agenda” on their children. But they were just closed-minded bigots.”

Gaston stopped talking and realized something had changed. “Do you hear that,” he asked the kid.

“I don’t hear anything..”

He lean over and whispered in the boy’s ear, “Get out of here. Now!”

Gaston tried to push the kid toward the escape hatch, but he squirmed out of his grip.

“What’s going to happen to you?” the kid demanded.

“I’m going to be fine. I’m coming out right behind you. Besides, even if they do catch me I’ll just have to pay a little fine. A night’s worth of winnings,” he said, unconsciously fingering the revolver in his jacket pocket as he talked. The kid didn’t budge and looked at Gaston with sad, lonely eyes. They both knew Gaston had never been able to bluff the kid. That’s what made him so good; he had a natural ability to read people.

Just as the kid started to respond with a sentimental farewell, whoever was upstairs kicked the door off its hinges and started making their way downstairs. Gaston pushed the kid to the escape hatch and forced him inside. Several sets of footsteps began making their way down the stairs.

“Wait, I almost forgot. The cards,” Gaston said and handed the kid Sharky’s case. “Keep them with you always. They’re good luck.”

The footsteps quickened at the sound of his voice. They were almost at the bottom of the stairs, and Gaston heard the metallic click of guns being cocked.

The kid stopped and turned around to look at him. “I thought you said there was no such thing as luck?”

Gaston wanted to argue with him, but he didn’t have time. “Just get the hell out of here,” he said and slammed the door. The footsteps reached the bottom of the stairs, and there was nothing left for Gaston to do but turn around and face them.

Posted by Elyas at 09:31 AM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

May 26, 2005

Hero of the day

From YahooNews:

Angered by the growing number of Internet scams, online "vigilantes" have started to take justice into their own hands by hacking into suspected fraud sites and defacing them.
These hackers have targeted fake websites set up to resemble the sites of banks or financial institutions in recent weeks, and have inserted new pages or messages. Some say "Warning - This was a Scam Site," or "This Bank Was Fraudulent and Is Now Removed."

I've recently received several e-mails from the Ebay version of this scam, and it's easy to see how someone who didn't know much about the Internets could fall for it. The e-mail looks like an official Ebay correspondence:

You have added phoneseller@yahoo.com as a new email address for your eBay account.
If you did not authorize this change or if you need assistance with your account, please contact eBay customer service at:
http://scgi.ebay.com/verify_id=ebay

Thank you for using eBay!
The PayPal Team

Please do not reply to this e-mail. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered. For assistance, log in to your eBay account and choose the "Help" link in the header of any page.

The problem is, the link, the one that starts with scgi.ebay.com, it goes to a completely different IP address. Pretty smart, eh? It takes you to a page that looks just like an official Ebay page, and if you don't look in the address bar to see the difference, you'd never know. You'd give them your password and username, and the next thing you know, they're using money from your Paypal account to buy $10,000 custom-made surfboards. Or something like that.

While some people question the ethics of vigilante hackers, I say, keep up the good work. Analysts say these fraud schemes may result in thefts of one million dollars a day worldwide. That's a lot of money, and all these hackers are really doing is defiling the fraud website. A pretty light punishment for people who deserve to be locked in a room with a rabid badger while wearing a shirt that says 'I hate badgers.'

Posted by Elyas at 10:24 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

May 25, 2005

Calling a spade a spade

The following is an excerpt taken directly from a speech given by President Bush in New York about his plan for social security. This comes directly from the White House website (the real one, not the fake one):

Now, a personal savings account would be a part of a Social Security retirement system. It would be a part of what you would have to retire when you reach retirement age. As you -- as I mentioned to you earlier, we're going to redesign the current system. If you've retired, you don't have anything to worry about -- third time I've said that. (Laughter.) I'll probably say it three more times. See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. (Applause.)

To me, the disturbing thing is not that Bush admits to repeating things to spread propaganda. He knows what he's doing. What's disturbing is the fact that the audience applauses after he says it.

Granted, politicians must always repeat messages, whether truthful or lies, when campaigning. Maybe Bush just made a bad choice of words when calling his message "propaganda." Or maybe he made a simple Freudian slip.

See if you can guess who said this about propaganda: "Through clever and constant application of propaganda people can be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise."

Posted by Elyas at 10:40 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

The last taboo

"More people joined the Michael Jackson fan club. We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit, and now we need warm bodies." - Bill Maher on the Army's low recruitment numbers for April."

Is this statement treason? According to Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Alabama) it is. "I think it borders on treason," Bachus said. "In treason, one definition is to undermine the effort or national security of our country."

I don't know what dictionary Bachus uses, but Dictionary.com defines treason as: Violation of allegiance toward one's country or sovereign, especially the betrayal of one's country by waging war against it or by consciously and purposely acting to aid its enemies.

Now, it's obvious that Maher had no intent of aiding the enemy or waging war against the United States. But let's take this beyond the partisan pissing contest and get a little philosophical.

Question: If you could do something great for humanity, that would improve the lives of millions around the world, but had to become a traitor in the process, would you?

In Ursula Le Guin's, The Left Hand of Darkness, in a complex sci-fi scenario involving a union of human-populated planets, the main character betrays his country in order to save the entire planet, and he pays with his life.

This is all fine and well in science fiction, but in the real world, nationalism is becoming the last taboo. You can argue about religion, politics, or race, but anything less than full-fledged loyalty to your country will get you booted from the discussion.

But what is a country? A common culture? Put a gay couple from Massachusetts in the same room with a Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson and show me the common culture. So what are we fighting and dying for? A land mass defined by arbitrary borders? Are the inhabitants of El Paso, Texas really that different from Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, just a few miles to the south? And are those border-dwellers very similar to Americans living on the Canadian border?

What are we left with? What defines a nation? Arbitrary borders, common governance...a flag. If you really break it down, a nation is nothing real, yet it is more powerful than God. Aside from a few extremists, not many people are willing to kill and die in the name of religion anymore. But there are countless people across the globe who will fight and die for their country. Their piece of land. Their system of government.

Throughout history, humans have found ways to define and differentiate themselves. Nationalism is just the latest. At times it was religion, at times it was race. It doesn't seem to matter, as long as we have something that tells us who we are, and more importantly, we we aren't.

Let's be clear. I'm not saying we should do away with national boundaries or refuse identify as Americans. I am just tired of blind obedience and the incessant drumming of nationalistic fervor. I am tired of people who proudly proclaim this is the greatest country on the planet, even though they haven't visited the 197 other possibilites. And I am tired of nothing being accomplished by politicians because they are too caught up in trying to prove who is the most patriotic.

Like politics, religion, and status, nationalism is something we are born with and take as Truth. If you can acknowledge that, if born in another country, your allegience would be to another country, then you must acknowledge that your patriotism is not objective. Maybe this really isn't the greatest country on Earth. Or maybe it is. Who really cares?

This has nothing to do with Bill Maher, he was just a catalyst for these questions brewing deep within the wrinkles of my brain. So, back to the question at hand: If you could cure AIDS or prevent a war or feed starving children, but you had to betray your country, would you do it?

I leave the rest to the comments section...

More like this in the land of Ablogistan.

Posted by Elyas at 02:07 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

May 24, 2005

X-tian eye for the heretic guy

It's hard to say for sure whether these are real or satire...

Like World O'Crap, I'm not going to say much about these t-shirts, which you can actually buy at ChristianShirts.net. Afterall, a picture is worth a thousand words, so I will just leave you with the one I found most amusing, and most disturbing:

Posted by Elyas at 02:35 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

May 23, 2005

The Adventures of Acinom

Everyone's favorite intern is back for the second installment of The Adventures of Acinom. This is supposed to be a weekly thing, but Acinom was late turning it in. Looks like I'll have to dock his pay

Episode II: Revenge of the Kids-th

I thought I was being sly early Friday morning when at 10:00 I blew
off work and went to my local 97-screen theater-with-zip-code to catch the morning showing of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the
Sith. I figured I'd be one of the first to see the end of a era.
I was feeling pretty good: a work-free day, some light saber action,
and seeing Darth Vader get his force on with Natalie Portman.

"I'll take one for the 10 AM Sith," I said coyly, already
feeling like an insider using abbreviated title lingo—Jedi-jargon if
you will.

"I'm sorry, Sir, the 10 AM, 10:15, 10:45, and the 11 AM are all sold
out. The earliest I have is 11:15," the bored-out-of-her-skull
cashier told me.

"What? I mean it's 10 AM on Friday! How can this be?"

"Sir, some local schools have decided to make it a field trip," she
explained. The Imperial March started in my head as I looked
way over to the right of the parking lot and saw 10 odd school buses.
Looking inside the theater I saw scores of little children standing in line having imaginary light saber battles, impersonating wookies, and driving their teachers and the theater staff absolutely nuts.

"Add that to all the other people…," she paused, "blowing off work and we are pretty busy this morning."

Defeated, I took my 11:15 stub and morosed over to the Area 51 arcade
game (Proving yet again my senior thesis—that every movie theater in
the U.S. has an Area 51 arcade game) and took my frustration out on
some aliens. Well, when it comes to video games I tend to get a
little focused….an artillery barrage could take place and I wouldn't
think twice to seek cover because, "Damnit, I'm on Level 17 with 7
lives!" So I kind of missed the line forming behind my back. I turn
around, saw the line, and accidentally dropped an F-bomb in front of a group of little kids immediately earning a nasty stink-eye from the
teacher and a chorus of "Ooooooooooooo's" from the itty bitty kiddy
committee.

I got to the end of the line and got behind a couple managing to sneak in front of a group of sixth grade age-level kids. Its about 11 AM by now so I'm getting pumped up about the movie.

All of a sudden my cell phone starts what used to be my favorite
ringtone: "An incoming call you have," warns Yoda. "Answer it
quickly you must."

This earns me the heckling of the sixth graders and the couple in
front of me (whom I will say now were rather homely-looking anyways).
I'm so embarrassed (Why? I don't know—I mean the cool couple in front of me is skipping work to see Star Wars on a Friday morning—we will ignore the fact that I am too. And the little dorks behind me are mere months away from discovering their first short'n'curlies) that I decide to play it off and pretend its not me.

BUT NO. Somebody has to call back to make sure that I wasn't in the
shower because, No, I would never be so busy that I would ignore
someone's phone call…. So yet again: "An incoming call you have,"
warns Yoda. "Answer it quickly you must."

More heckling ensues but this time the wonderful caller decides to
leave a message. So now my phone, who, by the way, must hate me
immensely, decides that it will play the little message tone—the
piece'de'resistance': (Obi-Wan) "May the Force be with you" (followed by Chewbacca's absurd howl).

So while these prepubescent jerks and the couple in front are laughing at me I notice that it is 11:10 and that the line is not moving. I look ahead to the front of the line and see a little hand-written placard that indicates that this line is for the 11:45 show.

"Oh look," I say probably a little too loudly. "I got an 11:15
ticket." My smile to the teens and ugly twins said it all:
BEEE-ITCHS!!!!

Well that stopped their laughing and earned me yet another nasty look. I made my way to the front squeezing in between some annoyed folks.

"Sorry, I got an 11:15," I explained as I bumped into people trying to make my way up to the front. Finally I made it and walked into the theater to find it FULL of little kids. The only seat left was right smack in the middle of a group of them so I gingerly made my through trying not to stumble and crush some little kid. They were chattering away and I knew this was going to be a long movie.

In between previews, as the teachers finally got their little kids to
quiet down, Cingular and Yoda failed me yet again: "An incoming call
you have," warns Yoda. "Answer it quickly you must." This set off a
riot of laughter as kids found this absolutely freaking hilarious.

I was sitting next to one of the teachers who was younger and closer
to my age….and rather pretty. Apparently my ring tone earlier had
given it away that I am somewhat of a Star Wars fan so she starts
asking me all these questions about the movie. Because she is rather
pretty I entertain her questions at first which are along the lines of, "Which one is that?" and "Who is she again?" But then the questions start getting annoying….And downright insulting to a Star Wars fan:

"So this is happening before the old movies, right?"

"Is Obi-wan in the old movies?"

"Is that the same R2-D2 in all the movies?"

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fly in space like that?"

"Is the Senator really the Emperor from the old movies? Are you sure?"

"Does Yoda die in this one too? No wait don't tell me."

So I'm getting pretty annoyed with this teacher who as it turns out is not as pretty as I thought (She actually is but I just can't justify giving her credit when this person is supposed to be forming the young minds of the future and the following happens.)

(SPOILER ALERT—By the way if you need this alert let me tell you about some of the inventions that have been discovered while you were
away…LIKE THE INTERNET) After Anakin becomes Darth Vader the teacher
starts tearing up because, and I quote, "I had no idea little Anakin
becomes the Vader." THE VADER??? I lost it.

"Wait a minute. You didn't know how this movie was going to end?
You're joking right?"

"No. It's just awful. And poor Natalie Portman. She has to give up
her twins," She cried.

"How did you not know how this movie was going to end? They
knew in 1977 how this movie was going to end. You've got to be
kidding me!" I was stunned stupid. Yes, maybe I like Star Wars a
little too much but I think that anybody who goes to this movie and
also takes her class with her should at least have a clue what is
going on. I couldn't take it anymore. As the credits rolled I darted to the exit and couldn't wait to get out of there.

As I waited in, yet another, line to get out of the place, I kept
shaking my head and wondering if I was taking crazy pills. But the
fun (for everyone else) and ridicule (for me) didn't end there.

"An incoming call you have," warns Yoda. "Answer it quickly you must."

Posted by Elyas at 11:15 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Afghanistan President, Hamid Karzai, told Wolf Blitzer that a combination of factors, other than the Newsweek Koran-flushing story, lead to last week's riots:

"What happened in Afghanistan a week ago was really not something done by the Afghan people. It was actually the violence -- the trouble was directed at the strategic partnership that Afghanistan is talking with the United States.
It was directed at the peace process that we have of inviting back the thousands of the Taliban to come back to their country. It was actually against the elections in Afghanistan. So we know what was going on there."

More from Karzai on Afghan prisoners that were allegedly tortured to death while in U.S. custody:

"This is simply not acceptable. We are angry about this. We want justice. We want the people responsible for this sort of brutal behavior punished and tried and made public.
At the same time, I must say that while we condemn this, we show Afghans, we show the rest of the world that the behavior of two soldiers or interrogators must not reflect on the United States or on the U.S. people. There are bad people everywhere."

Has Karzai finally decided to cut the puppet strings and do his own dance? He's demanding that Afghan authorities have more control over U.S. military operations in Afghanistan. Maybe he's realized that Afghanistan has to take care of itself; there won't be much help. Maybe he's realized Afghanistan has disappeared from the American radar, except for when politicians can exploit it for political gain.

Posted by Elyas at 09:54 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

May 19, 2005

Look in the mirror

Look. I have problems with mainstream media. Most major news outlets are nothing more than sensationalistic entertainers, afraid of losing ratings if they interrupt their 24-hour coverage of the latest celebrity trial to report on real news.

But for once, I come to their defense.

I'm not so much defending the media as I'm criticizing its critics. As Kevin Drum points out in a recent post, "here's what the public hears about newspapers from the blogosphere:

- From the right: newspapers suck because they're too liberal.
- From the left: newspapers suck because they're craven apologists for the Bush administration."

But I wouldn't limit the critique to the blogosphere and newspapers. In general, conservatives tend to criticize the media for having a liberal bias, and liberals tend to criticize the media for being conservative. It's like a political litmus test. Unsure about your political beliefs? If you think the media is out-of-touch with mainstream American values, you're probably conservative. If you view the media as "The Man", and think it is entrenched with the dominant power structure, you're probably liberal.

Not to say that there isn't a little political bias in the media. It's hard to argue that Fox News isn't a little conservative, or the New York Times isn't a little liberal. But for the most part, major media outlets appeal to the middle, the mainstream, because that's where the major of the audience (and the money) is.

And the harshest critics, the ones standing on the pedastals shouting into a megaphone about the media's bias, they don't want an objective media. They want a media that caters to their political ideology. They want newspapers and television shows that repeat their party's talking points. They want... the blogosphere.

Posted by Elyas at 11:22 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

May 18, 2005

Ann Coulter fan fiction

I've mentioned this in passing, but since the author published a new friggin hilarious story, I thought it was worth a full post. The first story, I fucked Ann Coulter in the ass, hard was top notch:

The Farmer’s Market on Fairfax and 3rd is a Los Angeles landmark, attracting tourists and everyday Angelinos alike, as well as many famous faces. Among the celebrities I have seen there are Muhammad Ali, Terri Garr, Tyra Banks, Laura Linney, Keenan Ivory Wayans, the guitarist for The Cult, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and Weird Al Yankovic.
But Ann Coulter is the only celebrity I’ve ever spotted at Farmer’s Market that I wound up fucking in the ass, hard. (Read the whole story)

The second story is equally as funny and twice as strange. Below is an excerpt from Back in Ann Coulter's ass-saddle again:

‘Well get out of that ridiculously too young for you Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt, say goodbye to 1998 and lose the cargo pants, and get ready to stuff the only thing interesting about you into the sloppy end of my digestive tract.’
‘Which end is that?’
She didn’t appreciate my making this admittedly small joke. She stepped up to me with rising anger, and I had the small adrenaline rush that precedes a fistfight. But instead of hitting me, she said through clenched teeth:
‘I came here to chew gum and have Liberal cock slammed into me.’ She spit her gum onto my floor. ‘And I’m all out of gum. We clear?’ (Read the whole story)

If you don't like Ann Coulter, or if you simply like vulgar, disgusting humor, check it out. There's even a guest appearance by John Cusak.

Posted by Elyas at 12:51 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

May 17, 2005

More shameless self-promotion

Below is my latest article in the San Antonio Current. It ran on May 5. So I'm a little late getting it up.

Rush to deadline: With three weeks to go in the legislative session, school finance remains unresolved

As the story goes, after being captured at a staged archery tournament, English folk hero Robin Hood was sentenced to execution for defying his over-taxing arch-nemesis, Prince John. Robin Hood stood on the gallows with the hangman's noose around his neck, minutes away from death, when his band of merry men suddenly rushed in and saved the day.

Texas' own Robin Hood - the nickname given to the state's school- finance system - faces a similar fate as Austin lawmakers struggle to reach an agreement on a school-finance bill before the legislative session ends May 30. Robin Hood earned its name because it redistributes local property taxes from wealthy school districts to poorer ones, but last September, State District Judge John Dietz declared the system unconstitutional, citing the the program's failure to adequately close the gap between rich and poor districts. In his ruling, Dietz cited demographic research that projected dramatic falls in per capita income and graduation rates by 2040 if the current education system remained in place. Dietz warned that if legislators do not fix the problem by this October, the State must stop funding public education, which could cripple the school system.

But as the House and Senate try to fix the current system's shortcomings, some worry the spirit of Robin Hood will be lost. According to Paul Colbert, a former legislator who consults for Houston and El Paso school districts, rather than revamping the system, the State should remove the cap of $1.50 per $100 of property value that districts can raise from property taxes.

"The districts have not been able to continue to match the impact of inflation and the changing requirements and raised standards, other than by cannibalizing their existing programs," Colbert says. "It's not that the car is broken and needs to be replaced, it's just that they haven't put any gas in it."

"It's not that the car is broken and needs to be replaced, it's just they haven't put any gas in it." - Paul Colbert

To address the problem, the Senate and House have their own versions of HB 2, the school-finance bill authored by Kent Grusendorf (R-Arlington). While both versions promise raises in teachers' salaries and more than $3 billion in new state money for schools, the two plans differ in their payment method. The Senate wants to replace local property taxes with a statewide property tax, while the House claims money is available in the general budget and a statewide property tax isn't necessary. Colbert acknowledges that a statewide tax would redistribute wealth similar to the Robin Hood system, but he says a new tax would be difficult to pass because it would require two-thirds approval by the House and Senate, as well as a public vote to amend the state constitution.

As lawmakers attempt to hammer out a bill before the session ends, they must address a host of concerns that more than 300 school districts brought to the table in last year's court case, such as the lack of funding for low-income students and students in limited English proficiency programs. "The State has consistently provided too little funding for the education of economically disadvantaged students and students with limited English proficiency (LEP). We've done many studies that have repeatedly told us that it costs at least 40 percent more for these students to be educated to the level we expect of them," says Colbert. While the Senate Education Committee amended the House bill to include more funding for LEP programs, critics such as Colbert say lawmakers still have not allocated enough money for these special student populations.

The Texas Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in July for the State's appeal of Judge Dietz' ruling. If the Supreme Court upholds the appeal, the October 1 doomsday date could be postponed, but most lawmakers are insistent on resolving the school finance problem regardless of how the Court rules. The Senate Committee on Education passed a substitute for the House education bill on April 29, which featured a number of changes to the House version, including the proposed statewide property tax. If the two chambers cannot reach a final agreement, Governor Rick Perry may be forced to call a special session this summer - as he did four times in 2003-04 - to settle the matter. Legislators failed to fix school funding during a special session last summer, before the District Court established the October 1 deadline.

Time is running out for lawmakers to fix the shortcomings of the current system of financing education while preserving Robin Hood's egalitarian spirit. The Texas education system is standing on the gallows, and Austin's band of merry men and women have less than a month to come to the rescue.

Posted by Elyas at 10:36 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

May 16, 2005

The American Dream

David Brooks writes about the different attitudes between poor Republicans and Democrats:

The big difference between poor Republicans and poor Democrats is that the former believe that individuals can make it on their own with hard work and good character. According to the Pew study, 76 percent of poor Republicans believe most people can get ahead with hard work. Only 14 percent of poor Democrats believe that.

Kevin Drum offers an interesting analysis and points to another NYTimes article about income mobility:

New research on mobility, the movement of families up and down the economic ladder, shows there is far less of it than economists once thought and less than most people believe. In fact, mobility, which once buoyed the working lives of Americans as it rose in the decades after World War II, has lately flattened out or possibly even declined, many researchers say.

The incomes of brothers born around 1960 have followed a more similar path than the incomes of brothers born in the late 1940's, researchers at the Chicago Federal Reserve and the University of California, Berkeley, have found. Whatever children inherit from their parents — habits, skills, genes, contacts, money — seems to matter more today.

My question: Is the low-income Republican outlook on life the result of a constructive optimism or foolish idealism? I think it's a little of both. For a long time, sociologists have found that there is a lot less economic mobility than Americans would like to think. Liberals, particularly young liberals in college, are often chided by middle-aged conservatives for their blinding idealism. But isn't it just as foolishly idealistic to base an outlook on fictional stories by Horatio Alger, as Brooks does, when so much statistical data points in the opposite direction?

Not to say that it's impossible to advance in American society. But in general, your parents' income/education/status has a major influence on your own. Imagine two swimmers in a race, where one swimmer starts in the half-way to the finish line, and the other starts at the beginning. It's not that it's impossible for the latter swimmer to win the race, but he/she's going to have to paddle like a duck on speed to catch up.

But isn't the Horatio Alger outlook on life beneficial, even if it doesn't match up with reality? In a sense, it is helpful to have an optimistic outlook, as it provides a sense of motivation and the drive necessary to advance in society. But when the American Dream develops into dogma, a mantra repeated in every situation, it becomes dangerous. Because too often, instead of believing that it is possible for hard work to lead to success, people assume that everyone's success is a direct reflection of the amount of work they've done.

According to this mindset, Paris Hilton is one of the hardest workers in the United States.

I think it's healthy to believe in hard work and advancement, as long is it's balanced with a realistic understanding of how society functions. If the government provided no assistance to those at the bottom of the ladder, the gap between the haves and have-nots would grow so wide our society would barely function. While we may not have a completely even playing field, the equal opportunities we do have are thanks in large part to government-funded social programs that help pay for education, housing, etc. So to the conservatives who exploit the American Dream to cut government programs that help level the playing field for low-income Americans, I say this: Stop being so damn idealistic.

Posted by Elyas at 10:33 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

May 13, 2005

Military bases and the environment

Acinom the Intern lends his expertise on an issue I'm not very familiar with:

Had a interesting discussion with a friend of mine concerning a CNN article she read about the EPA placing some 34 closed U.S. military bases on the Superfund list of worst toxic waste sites. Her argument was that this was proof of how destructive military training was to the environment. She also wondered what the state of all the open bases were. As a former military man, let me try to convince you that this is selective interpretation of what might be vague reporting.
The first impression a person (not familiar with the military) will
get from this article is that this is because of the destructive
nature of military training. While it is true that, by nature,
military training can be destructive, the modern military has gone to
great lengths to ensure that proper maintenance and repairs are
performed to training sites to restore them to a somewhat natural
state. This is not because of pressure from environmental interest
groups or the EPA, but because it is in the interest of the
military to repair and maintain a healthy training site so that it can be used tomorrow and the next day (An added benefit is to keep the EPA off their backs).

My point? Don't be misled into thinking that the training the
military performs is the true cause of all these Superfund listings.
I would submit to you (ewww, sounded like one of my college prof's
just now) is that the actual closing of these bases is what has made them so toxic (My only exception would be any references of
radiological damage—that's all on the DoD). Think about it: if you
tore down an entire suburb (malls, 7-11's, houses and all) don't you
think that the leftovers would look like Thanksgiving turkey that made it to February? It's the act of gutting an entire community that has placed these on Superfund—not the training that used to go there. So whatever opinions or issues you have with the military, please don't make the mistake of thinking this Superfund listing is par for the course with all military facilities. Understand that the military has been ordered to shut down these bases, within their budget, on top of all the other stuff they are being ordered to do by the government. If there is a scapegoat it is not the men and women in uniform—but the folks in Washington.

Interesting (at least to me) Read: Managing Endangered Species on Military Lands

Posted by Elyas at 10:10 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

Boy-cott?

It looks like one of the big issues on the leftist blogs today is the American Family Association's call for a boycott of Kraft Foods. Why does the AFA want to take down the Cheesey Giant? Because Kraft is a sponsor of the 2006 Gay Games. In response to the AFA's boycott, liberal blogs are starting a campaign to thank Kraft for "standing up to hate and bigotry."

Now, I'm as supportive as the next guy when it comes to equal rights, gay marriage, etc. But the Gay Games? Really?

I mean, what exactly are the Gay Games? Do you just take all the traditionally male Olympic sports (like wrestling and weight lifting) and make the Lesbian sports. And then take traditionally female sports (gymnastics, synchronized swimming, cat-fighting) and make them Gay sports?

This seems like a non-issue to me, not worth actively supporting or opposing. I don't see the significance of segregating sports by sexual orientation. What if someone decided to start the White Games or Black Games?

And where do bisexuals fit into the Gay Games? Can they compete? What about college girls who get drunk and experiment with their sorority sister? Or what if an athlete who isn't talented enough to compete in the Olympics pretends to be gay so he/she can win a medal?

Ok, so I'm being facetious.

But this is one of those things that makes me hesitant to classify myself as a "liberal." Look, you don't have to call for action on every issue that involves homosexuals, women, minorities, etc. Just sit back and let the AFA look foolish, forcing their kids to eat sucky Velveeta shells and cheese. Will Kraft read your e-mail of solidarity you send to them? Hell no. Will they go out of business because a radical segment of society decides to boycott them? Hell no.

In fact, Kraft is probably enjoying all the free publicity.

Posted by Elyas at 08:57 AM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

May 12, 2005

The Adventures of Acinom

We haven't heard from Acinom, everyone's favorite intern, in a while. But he's back, and he's brought with him the first ever: The Adventures of Acinom.

"I just got back from the Kentucky Derby in Louisville and I must say
if you have the chance…..GO. It is a blast. Anyways here is a little story about it.

Yesterday I tried to withdraw some money from a drive-thru ATM
machine. The contraption responded to my request with a rather
embarrassing, "PLEASE CONTACT YOUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION." Well,
stubborn jerk that I am, I tried again…. and again…and again. Horns
started blaring as I realized that I was being "that guy" and causing
a line of several vehicles and one hearse to form up behind me.
Defeated I left and drove to my favorite Kroger figuring I didn't
have to use cash.

I finished shopping for Cheez-its (not Nips) and ambled to the
cashier and tried to use my bank-card again. "PLEASE CONTACT YOUR
FINANCIAL INSTITUION." That can't be right, I thought. Much
to the annoyance to the cashier, I tried again and again until I
realized that yet another line was forming up behind me.

"Some asshole in a white truck did this to me earlier at the bank," an annoyed patron whispered to the fellow behind her.

"Me too and I am running late for a funeral!" said some pasty looking
dude in a suit.

Upset, bewildered, and lonely (I had to leave my Cheez-its behind
afterall) I walked back to my white tru—I mean blue car… and
immediately called my bank.

The following conversation occurred:

Operator: Thank you for calling %^&* Bank. My name is Sally. How
can I help you?

Acinom: I just tried to use my bank-card and it told me to contact my
institution.

Sally: (After getting my information) Um ok. It seems that your pin
number has been locked out. Do you happen to be in possession of your card?

Acinom: Why yes. I have it right here and just tried to withdraw some money and then buy some Cheez-its.

Sally: That's nice, Sir. It appears you, or someone, entered your PIN incorrectly so we locked it out.

Acinom: (in a rather rude tone) That's impossible. I know my PIN.
It's the same PIN I've had since high school. There is no way I
entered it incorrectly. When was the last withdrawal?

Sally: Sir, I have a withdrawal of $ xxx.xx at 2 PM on Saturday at
the Churchill Downs in Louisville and then a purchase of $ xxx.xx at
10 PM on Saturday at the 4th Street Bar in Louisville and—

Acinom: Yeah that's right. I made those transactions. Listen, I
KNOW MY PIN NUMBER. Why did you guys lock me out?

Sally: Did you make or try to make any other transaction after that?

Acinom: Um well, I don't think so. Um no I'm pretty sure I didn't.

Sally: Are you sure, Sir? Or can you not remember?

Acinom: Ok I don't remember that much from the night. But I don't
remember making any more transactions.

Sally: Well, Sir, you must have had a heck of a night because I show
someone trying to enter your pin number 19 times between the hours of
11 PM on Saturday and 3 AM on Sunday. That, Sir, is why we locked
your PIN out.

Acinom: Um. Oh. Ok.

Sally: Have a nice day.

Sally, even though I'm sure you had a great laugh with your colleagues at my expense, I apologize to you. Lesson learned. Good talk."

Posted by Elyas at 01:09 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Mayor Garza to endorse Julian Castro?

It probably won't come as a surprise to learn that freelance writing for a weekly newspaper isn't the most lucrative job in the world. So, after freelance reporting and blogging by day, at night I work in an upscale San Antonio restaurant to pay the bills.

Last night, Phil Hardberger, one of the mayoral candidates in the runoff election, came into the restaurant and sat in a friend's section. I had never seen the guy in person, so I glanced in his direction and didn't think much of it.

About an hour later, Julian Castro (the other mayoral candidate, for non-San Antonians) came in and sat at one of my tables with someone I didn't recognize (I'm guessing a campaign manager). I told my friend who was waiting on Hardberger that Castro just walked in, and we both thought it was odd that both candidates would eat at the same restaurant on the same night.

After I had finished taking Castro and his accomplice's orders, I asked if they need anything else. "Yes, we'll need one more order. They mayor will be joining us soon."

The plot thickens.

When Mayor Ed Garza arrived, he and Julian acted like long-time friends. They cracked jokes, they talked politics. At one point during the meal, Garza asked if I was registered to vote in San Antonio. I explained that I wasn't, and he went on to tell me that I should urge all of my friends to vote for Castro. Sounds like an endorsement to me.

The two candidates chatted for a while when Hardberger stopped by the table to say hello. But other than that, the rest of the night was uneventful.

Both candidates received roughly $20 in free appetizers and desserts from the owner. I'm not sure who paid at my table. Both Castro and Garza reached for their wallets when I dropped the check, but it was Castro's friend who handed me cash when I returned.

The tip? A little over 10 percent.

What did Hardberger leave his waitress? A little over 20.

(For more information on the elections, go to SAElections.com)

Posted by Elyas at 09:26 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

May 11, 2005

Gay marriage in the year 2055

Someday my kids will look back at the current gay marriage debate with the same disbelief I have when looking back at the legal racial segregation from a generation ago. Let me explain:

Growing up, I was under the impression that human history was an inevitable progression toward something better. Toward equality, even. And looking at history as it is taught in public schools, this seems like a natural conclusion. Especially with American history. We learn that hundreds of years ago, Americans enslaved Africans and killed off an entire continent of Native Americans. But, we eliminated slavery and went to a system of segregation and oppression, which sucks, but isn't quite as bad as slavery. Next, we got rid of legal segregation as well. In the 90's there were race riots, but that's not near as troubling as segregation and slavery. If we stayed on this course, it seemed like racial equality would be just around the corner.

And it wasn't just racial issues that fit into this worldview of mine. Women's rights, environmental issues... pretty much everything seemed to be progressing toward something better, or maybe away from something worse. Of course, there will always be certain issues - like abortion and the death penalty - that will divide the country. In billions of years, when all life in the galaxy is on the verge of extinction due to the supernova of the sun, conservatives will still be protesting outside abortion clinics and liberals will be protesting outside prisons. And both will be wielding signs that read, "Respect life."

It wasn't until I grew up that I actually encountered racism and bigotry firsthand. While this may have distorted my worldview a little, I still maintained the impression that better days lie ahead.

But then along came the issue of gay marriage. President Bush tried to amend the constitution to hinder gay marriages, and the next thing you know we're living in a world that eerily resembles The Scarlet Letter. Republicans and Democrats are unified in their opposition to all things sexual (particularly homosexual); John Kerry is so scared of the issue, he doesn't want it to be part of the Democratic platform; lawmakers are trying to ban gay books; Texas is outlawing cheerleading; phone companies are becoming anti-gay; and researchers have people smelling pee and sweat to find out where The Gay comes from.

All of this is eerily similar to Civil Rights issues of the past century. Politicians were reluctant to openly support integration for fear of alienating voters, scientists debated biological versus cultural differences between the races, and companies supported and profited from catering to racist customers.

I still believe our society is progressing forward, I just made the mistake of thinking we were farther along than we really are. If I ask my grandparents what it was like living in a time when such racism and oppression existed, they would probably just say, "Nobody knew better at the time."

So when it comes down to it, the gay marriage debate and the power-grab by the ultra-conservative religious right is not that big of a deal. It will pass. Someday homosexuals will have the right to marry (or have civil unions) all across the U.S. And someday my grandchildren will ask me what it was like living in a time when the government was so concerned with what two men or two women did in the bedroom. I'll just laugh and say, "We didn't know any better at the time."

Posted by Elyas at 12:53 PM | Comments (19) | TrackBack

Fair and Balanced?

Interesting:

Note to the news media--with an emphasis on the cable networks: Enough is enough.
Your continual focus on, and reporting of, missing, young, attractive white women not only demeans your profession but is a televised slap in the face to minority mothers and parents the nation over who search for their own missing children with little or no assistance or notice from anyone.

The latest missing woman to dominate the airtime of the cable networks was Jennifer Wilbanks, from Duluth, Ga. Like Dru Sjodin, Chandra Levy and Elizabeth Smart all before her, Wilbanks is young, white and attractive. Wilbanks, as it turned out, ran away of her own volition from her impending marriage. As a Maryland police official told me after Wilbanks turned up in New Mexico, "the media's non-stop focus on the possible abduction of Wilbanks forced the local officials and police departments to spend thousands of dollars they would not otherwise have spent."

Define racism. One could certainly make the argument that the cable networks that continually focus on these missing white women, to the virtual exclusion of minority women, are practicing a form of racism. The racism in this case, however, while predicated on color, does not concern itself with the color of one's skin. Rather, it is based on the color of money, ratings points and competition. Would an African-American woman who went missing days before her wedding receive the same (or any) coverage as that of Wilbanks? Not likely.

I'm not sure I agree with the author (Doug McKinnon, former staffer for Bob Dole) that the cable networks are racist. I can't imagine them devoting hours of coverage to a missing, dog-ugly white-woman living in a trailer. And I'm guessing they would cover a missing African-American or Hispanic woman if she was middle-class and drop-dead-gorgeous. It seems to be a mix of class, race, and appearance. Burnt Orange Report makes an interesting comparison with the situation in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, where more than 370 young women have been murdered (and sexually assaulted) since 1993. The government has done little to stop this, and the only people really familiar with this issue are Texans and the human rights NGOs working to stop it.

UPDATE: This NPR segment looks at the differences in media coverage between white and minority women, with examples.

Posted by Elyas at 08:46 AM | Comments (87) | TrackBack

May 10, 2005

John Dies at the End

Posted over at Blogcritics.

I've only read one e-book in my entire life. Don't get me wrong, I love to read. There's nothing I'd rather do than get lost for hours in a good novel. But while I'm sure there are plenty of talented e-writers, I have no real desire to spend hours reading from a computer screen (although, as a blogger, that's what I do anyway).

But when I came across John Dies at the End - or JDATE for short - through an Internet classified ad, I couldn't stop reading until I had finished the entire story. Written by David Wong, webmaster of Pointless Waste of Time, JDATE was written over several years, coming a few chapters at a time each year around Halloween.

The actual story is hard to describe. It's a comedy-horror, which Wong calls a Horrortacular. It's like reading Army of Darkness, except it's funnier and actually scary at times. But the biggest surprise I came across when reading my first e-book was the writing style. It was impressive. Very impressive. Wong develops his characters as well as any published author I've read, and his visualizations and foreshadowing make the story come alive.

The best representation of Wong's writing is JDATE's prologue, which I remember reading in an e-mail years before I came across the entire novel. This passage not only sets the playful tone of this horror story, but it also eerily foreshadows the novel's powerful ending:

In the course of solving the following riddle, you will either reveal the terrifying secret at the very core of existence, or go utterly mad in the attempt.
Let's say you have an ax. The kind that you could use, in a pinch, to hack a man's head off. And let's say that very situation comes up and for some very solid reasons you behead a man. On the follow-through, though, the handle of the ax snaps in half in a spray of splinters. So the next day you take it to the ax store down the block and get a new handle, fabricating a story for the guy behind the counter and explaining away the reddish dark stains as barbeque sauce.

Now, that next spring you find in your garage a creature that looks like a cross-bred badger and anaconda. A badgerconda. And so you grab your trusty ax and chop off one of the beast's heads, but in the process the blade of the ax strikes the concrete floor and shatters.

This means another trip to McMillan & Sons Ax Mart. As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year. He's also got a new head attached and it's wearing that unique expression of "you're the man who killed me last Spring" resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life.

You brandish your ax. He takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams, "that's the same ax that slayed me!"

Is he right?

While JDOT doesn't attempt to tackle any contemporary social or political issues, it's a fun read. I'm still anxiously awaiting the Epilogue, which Wong has promised to release this summer. And rumor has it, Wong is working on getting the e-book published on dead-tree. And it deserves it.

I was so impressed with John Dies at the End that I have rethought my aversion to e-books. And although I still don't like reading from a computer screen for hours, sometimes it's worth it.

Posted by Elyas at 06:45 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

Bush's congregation OR Push for Cohabitation?

From the great state of North Carolina:

Members of the small East Waynesville Baptist Church say Pastor Chan Chandler led an effort to kick out congregants who did not support President Bush. Nine members were voted out at a Monday church meeting in this mountain town about 120 miles west of Charlotte. Forty others in the 400-member congregation resigned in protest.
During the presidential election last year, Chandler told the congregation that anyone who planned to vote for the Democratic nominee, Sen. John F. Kerry (Mass.), should either leave the church or repent, former member Lorene Sutton said.(WashPost)

May 09, 2005

Carnies

The New Blog Showcase is up, and here's what El Capitan had to say about Yours Truly:

Elyas Bakhtiari brings us Ablogistan.com, a left-leaning blog, but one that's well-written and funny, unlike most of the humorless lefty blogs out there! The Official Bush Press Conference Drinking Game is an absolute riot, but that's not the one he wanted to submit. His submitted post concerns a topic both Cons & Libs can agree on in principle, the eradication of smallpox. It's worth your time, so go check it out!

If you're not familiar with Carnivals, check out this little blogging tutorial. This is my first one, and while I thought a Carnival host should be a little more non-partisan, I am pleased with description and anxiously awaiting new visitors.

Speaking of new blogs, Steal the Bandwagon has started a link to a new blogger game. Since every other link on this post is to a conservative blog, my entry for the game is someone who seems to be a fairly liberal environmentalist: Gone to Croatoan

Just trying to balance out the Universe.

Posted by Elyas at 01:40 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

Bush Abroad

Number one:

After Bush finished, Vike-Freiberga then explained that they would take four questions — one for each president. Again, Bush tried to interrupt, saying, "Or you can have all four questions to me," knowing that foreign reporters usually want to use the opportunity to probe the U.S. president.

Vike-Freiberga ignored the remark as she called on a Latvian journalist, and Bush threw his arms up and looked to help from aides offstage. The Latvian journalist said he would prefer to question the U.S. leader, and Bush responded, "Yeah, I thought that might be the case."

And as he predicted, all four questions were for him.

Number two:
Used to staged town-hall meetings with pre-screened questioners, Bush ventured into unfamiliar territory in the Netherlands when he took questions from a group of students.

"I have a question … concerning the terrorism," said the first student to be called on, a young woman. "And you made many laws after 9/11, many — many laws and many measures. And I'm wondering, will there be a time when you drop those laws and when you decrease the measures?"
"Look," Bush replied, "a free society such as ours, obviously, must balance the government's most important duty, which is to protect the American people from harm, with the civil liberties of our citizens. And every law we passed that was aimed to protect us in this new era of threats from abroad and the willingness for people to kill without mercy has been scrutinized and, of course, balanced by our Constitution."

He told her that the Sept. 11 attacks had changed his nation's mind-set, resulting in the need for different laws.

Bush's co-host at the event, Dutch Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende, wondered if the young woman was satisfied.

"You're convinced by the president?" he asked amid laughter.

"Don't put her on the spot," Bush quipped.

Apparently, Bush didn't like the tenacity of these "youths" and all reporters were kicked out for the remainder of the half-hour session.

Posted by Elyas at 10:29 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

May 08, 2005

Happy Anniversary

This is a reprint from an article I posted a few weeks ago. But since today is the actual official 25th anniversary of the eradication of smallpox, I thought it was worth posting again.

A few years ago, around this time, I came across an article commemorating the anniversary of the eradication of smallpox. I don't remember which anniversary it was: the World Health Organization (WHO) declared smallpox eradicated on May 8, 1980, but the last reported case was three years earlier.

I also don't remember who wrote the article or where I read it. The actual article is lost forever. But something about it has stuck with me since then. It has helped shape my worldview and provided an analogy with which I can explain my perspective. Every spring the article enters my mind and renews my twisted mix of optimism and cynicism.

Many regard the eradication of smallpox as one of the greatest achievements of the 20th century. And they're right. This was the first time an entire disease had been eradicated from the planet. At the height of the Cold War, in a time when the threat of a global nuclear war haunted minds across the planet, the eradication of smallpox symbolized the best of the human spirit. The world's two superpowers, the United States and Soviet Union, set aside differences and worked together to eradicate this viral menace. For once it seemed like the world was able to look beyond imagined barriers of religion, race, and nationality and recognize the ties that bind us as a human species.

From the superpowers to the third world, humans battled virus. The WHO struggled through civil wars, natural disasters and reluctant civilians to vaccinate in some areas of the globe. In some cases, officials vaccinated people against their will in order to stop the spread of the disease.

The last naturally occurring case of smallpox was in 1977. At a cost of merely 300 million dollars (a fraction of what it costs to wage most wars), humanity had defeated one of its greatest threats. The only greater threat to humanity would turn out to be itself.

The remaining post-eradication stocks of the smallpox virus were divided between the Soviet Union and the United States. The Cold War was still going on, and it's hard to say what was done with the virus. Soviet defectors claim the Soviet military developed biological weapons using the smallpox virus. In 1999, Russia and the U.S. backed out of an agreement to destroy the last remaining stocks of the virus, and now the U.S. has accelerated smallpox research, with possible plans for genetically engineering the virus.

And now we're back at square one. The majority of the U.S. population is no longer immune to the virus, with the last vaccinations occuring in the 1970s. The breakup of the Soviet Union left many stocks of the virus unaccounted for. After the September 11 terroist attacks and the 2001 anthrax mailings, the prospect of terrorists using smallpox as a biological weapon is as haunting as the Cold War threat of nuclear annihilation.

Thus, the paradox of the human brain. We are capable of understanding the most complex mysteries of the universe, yet sometimes our minds are so simple. We split atoms and traverse every obstacle on the planet, but we overanalyze our differences and wage war over abstractions.

On the universal stage, we are both the villan and the hero. While there are ideological differences between the various religions and nationalities, we all share the same genetic matieral and the same human plight.

Some say this view is pessimistic. Afterall, humans have made vast technological advancements and have overcome many injustices throughout history. But optimists and pessimists have simply picked sides in a battle of ideas in which both parties are wrong. While a global catastrophe like a nuclear war or smallpox outbreak is unlikely, it is something that has entered into the world dialogue in the last century. As Kurt Vonnegut points out in his novel, Galapogas, with something like that on the table, it remains to be seen whether the human brain is the history's greatest evolutionary success or its greatest failure.

Posted by Elyas at 08:49 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 06, 2005

Evolution on trial (again)

From Reuters:

TOPEKA, Kan. (Reuters) - A six-day courtroom-style debate opened on Thursday in Kansas over what children should be taught in schools about the origin of life -- was it natural evolution or did God create the world?
The hearings, complete with opposing attorneys and a long list of witnesses, were arranged amid efforts by some Christian groups in Kansas and nationally to reverse the domination of evolutionary theory in the nation's schools.

William Harris, a medical researcher and co-founder of a Kansas group called the Intelligent Design Network, posed the core question about life's beginnings before mapping out why he and other Christians want changes in school curriculum.

School science classes are teaching children that life evolved naturally and randomly, Harris said, arguing that this was in conflict with Biblical teachings that God created life.

I'm sorry, but didn't we already have this trial 80 years ago? More on the issue from conservative John Cole, courtesy of Kos:

Bob Novak, on Crossfire:

Why don't we teach evolution and intelligent design and let students figure it out on their own?

The response from an unknown God-hating scientist:

Fine. Why don't we teach students the South won the civil war and let them figure it out on their own? Why don't we teach students that the moon is made of green cheese and let the students figure it out on their own.

Having grown up in rural Tennessee, I can remember a Creationist speaking to my class in our elementary school cafeteria. At the time, I was too young to think much about it either way. It was just another one of those things we got out of class for: school musicals, D.A.R.E., visiting magicians.

He had a nice display with charts and whatnot, and tried to explain how the world was only around 10,000 years old. The most confusing part for an 11-year-old to grasp was that it was the same science teacher that had said the Earth was billions of years old who let us out of class for the Creationist's presentation.

Note: Photo is not real. It's from The Onion.

Posted by Elyas at 10:41 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 05, 2005

Media gets punked

By now you're probably familiar with Laura Bush's infamous standup routine at the White House Correspondents' Dinner last week. Her routine contained such husband-roasting zingers as:

"George always says he’s delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He’s usually in bed by now. I’m not kidding. I said to him the other day, ‘George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you’re going to have to stay up later."

"Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I'm watching 'Desperate Housewives' -- with [Vice President Dick Cheney's wife] Lynne Cheney," Mrs. Bush said. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. I mean, if those women on that show think they're desperate, they ought to be with George."

"He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse."

The Daily Show had the best coverage of the actual event. But the only thing better than satirical coverage of a real event is real coverage of satirical event:

Last weekend, an anonymous individual created a phony letter with an altered TVC logo on it, to criticize First Lady Laura Bush at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on April 30 th.
The bogus group called the Coalition for Traditional Values, issued its letter supposedly written by a Rev. Roy DeLong. The phony letter was picked up by the Drudge Report and reported it as fact instead of satire.

TVC’s phone has been ringing off the hook from reporters asking for more information. MSNBC was conned into thinking this was a real group. They called TVC to book a spokesman as a guest based on this satirical letter.

The satirical letter didn't mention outrage at the moral indecency of jokes about the President masturbating a horse. Rather the letter states, "We saw our President undermined, mocked, and emasculated by his own wife on the most public of stages, and at a time when his own manliness is already under attack."

Courtesy of Atrios.

UPDATE: Here is a link to the actual letter, which I forgot to post earlier.And more on milking the horse from Wonkette.

Posted by Elyas at 12:38 PM | Comments (21) | TrackBack

May 04, 2005

Ignore her and she'll go away

I detest Ann Coulter. Mainly because I don't think she believes half of what she says. She typically takes a somewhat reasonable idea and smothers it in her own recipe of extremist propaganda until it no longer resembles something that could be produced by a normal human brain. And the worst part is, she's a genius. If she calmly and rationally expressed her political views throwing in the occassional debate with her opponents, no one would know her name. Instead, she demonizes her opponents, calls them traitors, and makes herself so extreme, so vile, so absolutely out of the mainstream, that she makes the cover of Time magazine.

Which is why I have little sympathy for the guy who was arrested in Austin for heckling Coulter at a speech Tuesday. Yes, he was just expressing his opinions when shouting, "You say that you believe in the sanctity of marriage. How do you feel about marriages where the man does nothing but fuck his wife up the ass?" But he just added fuel to her fire. He is a dancing puppet and she is the nimble puppetmaster. If he really has a problem with the garbage that spews out of Coulter's mouth, he should just ignore her. That's the only way to defeat her. Giving her attention just makes her stronger.

In the Pink Texas has more on Coulter's speech.

Also, this fictional (I hope) story about a recent encounter with Coulter is hilarious. Rated R.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that by writing about Ann Coulter, I am ignoring my own advice to ignore her. But I really doubt she reads my blog. If she does start reading, I'll stop writing about her.

Posted by Elyas at 02:33 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

May 03, 2005

The torture debate

After writing my previous post about torture, I couldn't help thinking about all the arguments I've read on both sides about the morality of torture. This seems to be one of the many issues that is split right down partisan lines. Although the President superficially condems torture, in general, conservatives are more likely to be in favor of allowing torture to advance American interests, and liberals are more likely to be opposed.

That said, I present to you the first episode of Left, Right, Fight a hypothetical debate show that pits stereotypes of Liberals and Conservatives against each other to discuss the hot topic of the day. Today's episode deals with the morality of torture and the war on terrorism. Before we get started, let's meet our contestants:

Liberal: Hi, I'm a Taurus from California. I voted for John Kerry in the last election, although Howard Dean was my top choice. I enjoy hiking, discussing politics, and drinking lattes.

Conservative: I'm a Longhorn from the great state of Texas. I voted for our President, George W. Bush, in the last election, and I think he may be the greatest Commander-in-Chief in the history of our great country. I enjoy hunting, talking about sports, and drinking beer.

Round 1 L: The torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay is absolutely unacceptable. What ever happened to following UN conventions? Torture is morally wrong, and Bush and Donald Rumsfeld should be tried for war crimes.

C: Here goes the 'Blame America First' crowd again. Answer this: D